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Don't bother trying to explain Angel

Jul. 24th, 2005

01:06 pm - This is who I am

I am weak
I am scared
I am fake
a fraud
I am fat
self hating
I am worthless
3rd best
I am a butterfly
I am death
I am a cigarette
I am pot
I am Jon
caring... gone
I am music
I am a knife
a tool
I am the pill popper
I am a cup
half empty
I am the Joint
burnt out
passed around
I am the Ex
the friend
the lover
I am the christian
I am life
a game
I am a coat
I am caring
I'll always be there for you.
But I am realization
That I am Nothing to any one.

Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: Nothing

Jul. 12th, 2005

01:51 pm - The things I remember.

You always wanted to be free.

To look like the movie stars, to look like the people in the magazines.  You wanted to be free of the constraints of society. 

Your parents never cared, I remember.  Gave you money & sent you up north.  I wish I could remember their faces.

You were always my knight in shining armor, who would come & find me no matter where I was, or what I did to get me there.

You were always smiling, when you came to Potsdam, a golden God that walked the streets in suits & ties.  The punk rocker with the "Are you happy now" tea-shirt & the checkered tie.  You were never with out a tie...

Judith would dance on tables for you with those spiked boots you loved.  She would toss her hair & yell & scream.  She would smoke & hiss... yet you never yelled.

I miss you.

You came back to town a different person each time.  Different hair style, different smell, different walk.  Different brand of cigarettes, different stories.  We use to sit out on the rocks by the gravel pit & have Sunkist & butterfly kisses.  Home Made Donuts your sister sent up.  And presents that only would would think to give.

I still have the necklace on my mirror.

You were my sweet heart, my candy jewel.  You traveled & brought back pictures.  Cuban Cigars & tequila from Cuba, Vodka & Moltov Cocktails from Russia & Poland.  Gypsy treasures, incense, cocaine, Italian soda, French hats, glass beads, journals, glitter, feathers... you were all about life, & creating treasures out of things people would over look.  We shared hatred & laughter... we were a team.

The last time I saw you, you were gaunt & drawn... your eyes were muddy & blood shot & week.

You always came back... you never left me alone for to long.  You gave me hope that things would change.  That I was almost free.  You let me believe you would come back again.  You left with out a kiss, or a hug... you left me with a fake smile, a look to tell me there was no time.

Now I sit here, wondering where our time went.

You were suppose to save me, help me & support me.

Now who will I call late at night?  When I'm afraid?

Who will sing to me, & read to me.

Who will be there for me, no matter what I need? 

I'll stay awake at night, wondering if you're ok.  Just like I use to.  Because I worry still.


I love you.

Current Mood: exanimateexanimate
Current Music: Dead Poetic: Glass In The Trees

01:42 pm - yeah well...

My mom took my internet away.

I'm on her computer at the moment. And I'm fucking pissed.

My head hurts... & so does my tongue.

Call me up if you get bored. Cause I want to get my moms phone bills to sky rocket. Show her how bug of a mistake she made by trying to punish me.

Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Current Music: My pounding skull

Jul. 1st, 2005

01:39 am

He said he was going to rip Jon's teeth out & make a necklace...




I'm so... idk the word... weirded out?

01:33 am - huh...

This year is so strange...

I got my first Real boyfriend, not one that was complete was of time & money... some one I'm totally in love with still... he dumped me of course, but I knew it was only a matter of time.

I got a new best friend, & we've made so many cool memories together, just in the short time we started to hang out.

I made out with a guy whose murdered over 40 people(riiighttt)... he offered to let me leave Potsdam if I ever wanted to run away. Good old piercing dude. He bought me coffee, cigarettes, & ice cream. It was intriguing.

But I didn't take him up on the offer...

I'm the nice girl who is willing to talk to any one, no matter what they're like.

I wish I was the person you wanted.

I can't sleep. I'm so sad :(.

Going to Watertown with Callie tomorrow!!

Current Mood: cynicalcynical
Current Music: Viva La Bam back ground noise

Jun. 29th, 2005

01:44 am

I'm so sick

I hurt so much...

And now I have to go... Blah!

I make myself so mad

Jun. 26th, 2005

05:21 pm - blah...

yeah so I'm home from Watertown & Syracuse, after going to the concerts at The Furnace. It was pretty awesome, I wish more artist came up state, I would love to go to more concerts because I get a natural high off the energy of crowds & I love the feel of bass, it's cool. I'm so tired though, I'm sitting here with nothing to do listening to my new CD & wondering what "Surprise" Jon has for me on Tuesday... Or if he even was serious about it. I'm going to be really sad if he was lying to me again.

We went into an old abandoned house in the middle of the night & found beer every where, it was pretty amusing. Especially since we didn't fall through the floor.

Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: Dead Poetic: Vanus Empty

Jun. 22nd, 2005

03:16 pm

I got to get away
So here I sit looking at the traffic lights
The red extinguishes the hope that the green ignites
I want to run away I want to ditch my life
Cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night
And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don’t want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I’m sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end
And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Oh God, don’t make me face up to this
Cause I know that I let you down
And I don’t want to deal with that
It just now hit me this is more than just a set back
And when you spelled it out, well, I guess I didn’t get that
And every trace of momentum is gone
And this isn’t turning out the way I want
And I spent all last night
Tearing down
Every stoplight
And stop sign in this town
Now I think there might
Be no way to stop me now
I'll get away despite
The fact I’m so weighed down
All of my escapes have been exhausted
I thought I had a way but then I lost it
And my resistance was once much stronger
And I know I can't go on like this much longer
When I got tired of running from you
I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said, “I miss you. Come home”
And my sins, they watched me leave
And in my heart I so believed
The love you felt for me was mine
The love I’d wished for all this time
And when the doors were closed
I heard no I told so’s
I said the words I knew you knew
Oh God, Oh God I needed you

03:06 pm

I miss you
because you always smelled good
I miss you
because I loved you even when you hurt me
I miss you
because some times you forgot to shave, & I love your scruffy face
I miss you
because I always know when you're around
I miss you
because I can always pick you out of the crowd
I miss you
because you can always make me smile
I miss you
because you would always come & visit me
I miss you
because you let me cry
I miss you
but I know you would let me die.

Current Mood: irritatedhurt
Current Music: Relient K: Be I so Hate Consequences

12:05 am - hahaha

Today I went to the D- Shack, looking for the pot smoking mice

Callie randomly decided to clean, cut, & polish my toes... good old Callie!

Callie killed her car. It was hilarious. I won't tell the details.


Callie says she never loved me... yet she just threw her shorts at my head & said "I'm ready for you"

I'm a sped monkey.

Callie talked to Canada.

Chocolate chip monkey banana bread... WTF?!?!

My pudding tastes like box.

Today we chased a red car... cause we thought it was Heather Malette... "That's not Heather!!"

Went to agway to look for Sunshine. He wasn't there... go figure.

Made an effort to swim across the lake... but Callie's afraid of deep water... yet not of deep throating ;).

We're balloons.

I passed Matt!!

We ate & got winked at a lot. Good old Parishville.

Callie Killed Her Car, & I laughed... a lot.

I have to go rub Callie's feet now...

We looked for food for an hour... we ended up with box pudding(rock hard) & fruit salad from a can. We're teenagers, give us a fucking break.

SUN SHINE DITCHED ME!!!! Kevin is going to give him a message "Wave good- bye to Megan!! Bye Sweety!!" It's sad... when I yell at Munchkin he won't call me sweetie... maybe honey...

I'm paniced. I love Deronde. ;). Happy Birthday soon!!!

Callie: Your boobs are really bouncy!
Me: Why Thank You!!!

Me: why don't you get Menthols?
Callie: What's the difference between Menthol & regular?
Me: Menthols are minty
Jon: They have fiber glass in them
Callie: Is that good or bad?
Jon: They make your lungs bleed...
Callie: Hey! At least you'll die with minty breath!!

Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: Nothing

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