Don't bother trying to explain Angel
Jun. 21st, 2005
10:07 am - hhmmm....
I want to change my hair, put purple streaks in it, & grow it really long...
I want to get my ear pierced again, & get a nose ring , & like... five tattoos.
Like dark, with purple that kind of blends in, I think it would be really cool.
I can't wait until I'm 18, my mom thinks she has a say as to what I do when I'm 18... but I'm getting piercings & tattoos whether she wants me to or not :P
I'm thinking about getting my tragus pierced, & my nose, but I want to be tasteful, not just full of holes & shit. So I don't know, I'll have to try some stuff out. And hopefully convince my mother to let me get a tattoo, or two. I'm not sure if I want to dye my hair yet, I'm going to ask a few peoples opinions first, like Jon & Callie. And if I get my hair dyed I'll have Jonas come up & do it for me or something. I just want a change, I'm so sick of being the same way all the time. Maybe the blue haired boy will notice me <3 I wish I looked different. But I don't so all I can do is work with what I have, I need more money so I can actually do these things. I'm so far in debt right now, & I'm not working again until next Monday... so I'm fucked when it comes to pay checks. I need a second job I think. I need to put money in my bank account so it doesn't close(I have a dollar...). I need to make some sales, & get another job. We're going to Syracuse this week for the Beautiful Mistake & Dead Poetic Concert. Last night my mom ordered my soulfest ticket, which is cool, because I've been needing to get that. It went up to $100, but no one can say I didn't warn her this would happen.
Tonight I'm going to head out to my grandparents & fetch a few items... hopefully I can fetch a price for. But it's a false hope really.
I've been trying to figure out what kind of cigarettes my grandmother smokes. They're long, like 100's, & brown, but I can't figure out what their called. It's on the tip of my tongue... blah!! Does any one know?
Last night I was searching my dads room, it was so grimmy in there, I don't know why the fuck he doesn't just smoke out side! It's not that hard to do, but he insists on smoking in his room, so everything is all grimmy, it grosses me out big time. But what ever I tend not to go in there any way. I had a few things hidden in there, but I couldn't find them... they were from a few years ago, so I don't know where I stashed them. I must have talent for hiding things(ha... that's obvious). It pisses me off that I can't find them. OMFG. I'm so mad at myself I could have made so much money, I want to cry. AH!!
But I did find something rather amusing in my fathers room. While I was searching through his papers by his chair, I came across an packet of photos, of when my brothers & I were younger. We were ice skating in the field. I don't even remember my father being there.
But hey. Shit happens.
God I'm so tired, I swear I have insomnia. I works all yesterday, & I'm still not done with half the stuff I need to do. I feel horrible.
Jun. 20th, 2005
My room is a mess... I have no money...
But Callie bought me a new lighter & I'm in love with it.
I named it charlie.
Jun. 19th, 2005
Don't start Shit, unless you're willing to deal with the aftermath.
Jon: just because the people at mcdonalds are pissed at you doesn't mean they can jip me a burger!!
I hate it in this town. I want to leave.
Jun. 17th, 2005
Jun. 16th, 2005
10:26 am - Fuck
Jon showed up....
He was suppose to call....
I didn't have any clothes on.
I'm going to go get dressed now... :(.
Jun. 15th, 2005
09:51 am - Oh dear...
Ok so it's the last day of school, & I'm so glad yesterday is over. I'm still craving a buzz, something that I seem to get & lose quickly. It's so strange to have that want, I never realized what it was before, but now I know. Amazing. What I would really like is a cigarette, but I know I don't need one... therefore, I will not smoke one.
However I will be raiding the medicine cabinet as well as my neighbors locker before school lets out. I'm glad things like Advil, Aspirin, Ibuprofen, Tylenol, & Midol aren't illegal or prescription only. That would suck big time. I would have to do some trading to get them, & then it would be annoying. Cocaine: $60 a gram... what would Advil run for?? I bet it would be more than Pot. Not the cheap stuff, I mean the good stuff, because honestly... who doesn't take headache medicine? No one!! Who doesn't use Pot? A lot of people...
Therefore Advil would be expensive, like Vicodin on the market. Ha... that would suck!!
I don't know why I'm rambling, probably because I have nothing better to do with my time at the moment. The last day... I have no work, I'm skipping gym... I have no buzz(of any kind) & my headache is back from last night. Therefore I only find it necessary to ramble about things that honestly don't matter at all.
Did you know Cocaine sales have tripled up here in the past few months? I find it highly amusing, due to the fact that the dentists must be making just as much as the drug dealers. With all the coke heads coming into the dentists with holes burned through their teeth... I wonder if the dentists have caught on at all? I bet they have, in fact, it's probably a government conspiracy... the more people going to the dentists, the more money for them... I don't know why the government would want dentists to make money... but I'll figure it out later.
Blah I'm so bored!!! I wish Jon was here today, I don't understand what his deal is. But what ever, if he's going to drop out he should just fucking do it, because honestly, I'm tired of trying to help him if he's not even going to show up... who the hell am I kidding?? I'm freaking awesome, if I can get that boy 80's and 90's in his classes all year long I'm a fucking Goddess. I'm so stoked I finally found something I'm good at: teaching... or helping people? Idk, but serious... they think he's cheating. Going from 0-30 points every test/essay to 80's-90's BOOM mother fuckers.
I feel like a blimp... after yesterday I'm really not feeling well, I did so much shit yesterday, mostly out of stress. I'm glad today won't be like that. I'll be really bored of course, but there are always ways of dealing with boredom. "Pop a few zoloft & head out on the town." Haha.
(If any one has any offers for me I'll take them.)
God I still have a half an hour left to ramble about nothing at all. That's kind of sad. High school sucks! I never have any work, & when I do I get over stressed & fuck myself up & then my grades drop. I'm hiding on AIM and seeing who else is doing the same on a school day :-P Brandon, Marky Mark, Samantha, Nikki (who is two seats away and keeps giving me the worse looks). Fuck you too bitch.
I feel like I have water in my lungs. I need to stop smoking, I'll be able to this summer with out any problem. I'll be seeing my "supplier" less then I would be if I were in school. Plus I'll be busy enough with friends, family, & work that I won't have to even think about it.
Those tiny cigarettes are so cool! I should have bought some to finish the roof on my cigarette house that one day. But I was stupid & thought they were pointless. My bad?
With my luck, my mom will read this... & I'll be fucked. But what ever, I'm gone in a year any way, I can deal with her judgmental tendency for a while more. Read it!!! I'm a pissed teen and I don't give a fuck.
I had an offer to leave New York, & I think I may have to take it. I'm so sick of living like I am. I'm sick of drugs. You have NO idea how annoying it gets when I sit & listen to some snot nosed punk talk about how much he wants a hit of Coke. Like "what are you telling this to me for? Do I look like I have any to give you? NO!!" God, or how much some one wants a cigarette... like wtf? You're standing there watching me fucking smoke and you're going on and on about how you're DYING for one... could always... idk... ask... Or fuck go steal Jon's like everyone else does!! Do I have to do everything for you people? Do I have to supply your drugs & your smokes? Fuck everyone. I mean sure they're fun for awhile... but really? The effects last a short while & then you're left with the after effects. It's like drinking, there's no point at all. It's fun, the alcohol is good, it's a blast to have a buzz... but then what happens? You sober up... & you're in pain & the problems you would have wanted to forget come rushing back. It's like a cycle. But shit I'm always jumping on that band wagon so what do I know right? I like smoking & drinking as much as the next person, but I don't need to, I don't depend on the stuff to get by, I don't do anything to forget my problems(even though that's why I did it the first time). I don't need to get drunk, I don't need a cigarette to unwind. But some can't because they've become so familiar with what their doing that they can't stop. It's part of their lives. Use the stuff for FUN, not for support people!! Oh what do I know... how much longer do I have to sit here and listen to the droning of class mates that honestly have nothing more to say than I do. "Oh, I'm Burt, and I got Courtney Pregnant, and blah blah blah... dad says I need to do... blah blah blah..."
Another thing I can't stand is over sensitive/emotional boys... GRR!!! What I mean by this is boys who talk about reading to their younger siblings, taking care of their mother, crying, ect... I mean honestly, sometimes I wonder if a guy is just using those things to make you "want him" like "ooh look how sweet he is, reading to his kid brother" I HATE that... well... I hate HIM ARGH!!! I hate kids, & I tell the guys that. Like "I don't care how you treat the kids, whatever it doesn't matter, I hate children." But some guys think that they're impressing you when they do that. Or when they tell you that they "cried last night" I don't fucking care! If you cry that's ok, all the power to you, cry all you want. But don't fucking talk about it, it's not important to me, don't try and impress me with your bullshit. I can't stand when guys SAY they cried: I mean it's alright if like... some one died, or if their just hurting so bad that they can't do anything else. As long as it temporary. But if a guy fucking just crys over little things I can't stand it. I'm not being sexist, because I hate when girls do that too. Like "suck it up, you should know how to deal with problems." I feel like telling people to shut the fuck up. Some guys use crying to get in a girls pants(kill me) like we're going to be attracted to you because you're crying & you're emotional. It's so fucking FAKE. Needy guys piss me off. They don't seem to understand I don't care about how they treat little kids or how they help out their families. GRR, I don't FUCKING CARE!!! It makes me mad when guys use that kind of stuff. Guys who think they're so fucking smart. Well here's a news flash. I hate guys who use pity, "I'm a virgin" "I'm broken" "I cried last night" "I'm taking my little brother out for ice cream" like "aww that's sweet... but being a virgin isn't bad, & life's a bitch." I DON'T WANT SOME CRY-BABY MAMAS BOY WHO THINKS THEY'RE THE SHIT BECAUSE THEY'RE "GOOD" WITH KIDS. I hate KIDS!! I'M TALKING TO YOU FUCK FACE! STOP LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER.
Oh look I ran out of time!! I'm proud of myself. XOXO
Jun. 14th, 2005
03:15 pm - cool
I need a high.
Something to make me forget that I feel completely miserable.
It's raining out side finally, & I feel so bored & slow, I haven't slept in about two days & I haven't eaten anything healthy for about a week. I need a detox, something to let me start over & fix myself before I end up sick or depressed again. I hate feeling like this, I don't know why I let myself get addicted to things, just for a buzz of any kind at all. Sugar, cigarettes, contact, sex, emotion... anything to feel right? It makes me sick to know the things I've done, how I'm turning out & I'm so annoyed with myself. I remember when I didn't rely on anything besides God & family. Now... what have I become that I have to find support with things that really don't matter at all? I remember when I use to get a high from listening to good music, from being with friends & just feeling... but now I don't. I get nothing out of any of that. I love feeling the energy of a concert, the beating of a heat, the clouds of smoke, the taste of a kiss, it's addictive & it's taken the place of everything else in my life. The lies, the pain, the tears, the anger... it's not worth it. This life isn't worth anything, I want to change. I want to feel a natural buzz... not something that's forced on by something that hurts me.
Speed, Loud music, cheering, pulsing, heart beat, smoke, contact, food, screaming, pain... it all makes me feel. Is this what it's like to be human?
Why am I rambling aimlessly?
Jun. 12th, 2005
swimming at camp
cake at Kevin's
"why aren't you two dating?"
"Second times the charm"
"I was a bastard"
driving to big rock
watching the sunset
walking in the park
down the allys
watching the skaters
Smoking on the picnic tables
drinking on the football field
"A Walk To Remember"
Chasing fire flies
walking hand in hand
Kissing on the beach
waiting for a moment
he lost my clothes...
Silent in the water
kids on the shore
home at 11:30
didn't get caught.
Saturday night with Jon.
Jun. 8th, 2005
You made me shiver in the dark
your breath in my ear
the smoke rose up before we danced
confused, we spun on the dance floor
we were silky
our fingers slipped over smooth fabric
static in the air
heat, the buzz it never wore off
it wasn't the drugs, its the way you smell
the way we melted into each other
as we spun, the lights sparkling.
It wasn't the drugs, it was you.
I cannot disconnect from you.
I feel you always.
And we danced on the clouds.